Ding... DONG!

For example, when I get a package addressed to my home, the post office sends a delivery boy over on his bicycle to give me a piece of paper that says, “You have a package.” If I am not home, the delivery boy leaves a piece of paper saying that he tried to deliver a piece of paper and he will return tomorrow to make sure I get the piece of paper. When the delivery boy and I finally meet in person, I must sign a piece of paper saying that I have received the piece of paper. I then must proceed with said piece of paper to the post office where I show them the piece of paper. This is checked against another piece of paper, which is checked against my resident paper.

Last December I received a package and went through this entire process. At the post office I could see my package behind the desk as my resident paper was being checked. I thought I had overcome. Not so. In China your address goes from large to small – so instead of name, street, city – packages and letters are addressed with the city first, followed by the street, and then the name. For example in the US – you would address me as:

Keith Gallinelli
11 Wu Tiao Xiang – Apartment 501
Gulou District, Nanjing, PRC

In China, it reads:

Gulou District, Nanjing, PRC
11 Wu Tiao Xiang – Apartment 501
Keith Gallinelli

Not a big deal you would think, but the postal worker absolutely refused to give me my package because my ID did not list my name as Mr. Gulou District. I tried to explain but to no avail. Apparently there are at least three other Keith Gallinelli’s in my zip code so I can understand the confusion. I think my Chinese language textbook explains it best:

“There are many differences between Chinese and English ways of thought. We may sum up as the following. English thinking is used to form analysis, from small to large, emphasizing the individual, which reflects the egocentrism of western culture, while Chinese thinking tends to view the situation as a whole, from large to small, emphasizing the whole, which reflects the group orientation of Chinese culture.”

Now please don’t get offended. I have found that you must turn off your offensive sensor if you want to survive in China. I am “big-boned,” but here I am constantly referred to as “fat.” My students will say, “You are so handsome, but you are so fat.” A vendor will see me and say, “I have nothing that will fit you – you are too fat.” At first I would get angry, even snap, but I have come to realize that there is not the same negative connotation around the word fat as when I used to hear it in 8th grade. There is just no other word – if you are not thin, you are fat. End of story.

So let us return to the doorbell. I walk to the door, open it and see a small Chinese man standing there. He has a piece of paper in his hand and I think, “Oh boy, here we go again.”

“Excuse me please, how I say these words,” he says in English pointing to the paper. I look down and in handwritten block letters are the words:

S T A D I U M

T R A I N

G O V E R N M E N T

I pronounce “STADIUM” and he repeats it - getting it about half right. I correct him and we find ourselves standing in my doorway screaming the word “STADIUM” at each other. After about 2 minutes I realize this is going to be a long process so I invite him in, fix some tea, and we sit down.

“Mr. Gai (how does he know my name?). I am Zhou Something Something. I live upstairs from you. I am studying English. Can you help me?”

This can be a sticky situation because everyone wants help studying English. The going rate is about 100 RMB per hour which is quite a lot of money, but most times I will agree if they will swap. We whip up a deal – 1 hour of English for 1 hour of Chinese once per week.

We sit down and drink 5 cups of tea over the next 2 hours practicing words – I in Chinese, he in English. He only spoke three words of English (i.e. stadium, train, and government) so I am forced to speak Chinese. I ask his English name and he tells me that he has none but he wants one. I like to suggest weird names for Chinese men like Ulysses, Thor, Increase or Cotton (as in Mather), and names of my ex-girlfriends for the women. I write down a few strange and a few normal names until he finds one he likes - Mr. William Zhou - upstairs neighbor, electrical engineer, English student and Chinese teacher.